I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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