38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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