Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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