someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
