yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
