Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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