Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
