Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
