I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Can I color on your dick again?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
After tacos, we're chasing women.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
