hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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