He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you would pick up someone in the library
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
zippers are such a cool invention
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
