took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
