I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize