he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
