cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
