he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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