He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
