Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
