So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
