So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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