it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
