I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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