On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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