Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
