WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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