Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
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