i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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