Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
