I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
