I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
