birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
