Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
