my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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