1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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