im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
