I wish I could teleport
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
