My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
