i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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