ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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