Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
