it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
