I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
