i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
