I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
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I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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