There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have aggressive nipples.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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