oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
