I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
