saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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