she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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