I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
