Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
