i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
