mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
