How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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