I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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