just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
