It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
