i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
