I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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