i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
