hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
